GTHS (Grand Theft Ham Sandwich)

No idea how it go there - honestly!

No idea how it go there – honestly!

What is that ham sandwich doing there?

Waiting to be eaten?

Yes, but how did it get there?

I have no idea. I just woke up and it was there. Anyway, it’s a ham and cheese sandwich.

You stole it from next door.

Well, sort of. I prefer to think of it as providing it with some company. It did look rather lonely and in need of attention.

I am actually rather impressed you didn’t eat it straight away.

I was waiting for permission…

Hmm. Well, you may as well go ahead as I don’t think the original owner will want it now.

 

 

The uber-twit

twit too

Disgruntled uber-twit

You really have excelled yourself this time.

Well, I do have to, you know, lick. As you may have noticed.

Yes, but this was entirely self inflicted. First you dug a hole in your back pushing through a fence and then you turned a minor injury into one that required a visit to the vet. By licking!

But you have to admit I am doing a pretty good job of destroying this collar thingy.

Yes, just like you did the last time. Please just leave it in place long enough for the hole to heal.

I’ll try!

twit

Is it a flower? Is it a twit? It’s a twit-flower!

 

 

Wuss

You are a wuss!

But it’s a seriously loud noise!

Thunder is not going to hurt you. You didn’t even notice the fireworks on New Year’s Eve.

They are different.

Yes, but it’s still a loud noise. And you even cower when the neighbour fires his .22

I can’t explain, it’s just… FRIGHTENING!

Well, please get over it, it’s really pathetic.

Pathetic

Pathetic

Zak the driver

Angling to get into the driver’s seat are we?

Well they have taught dogs to drive haven’t they?

Yes, but that was in New Zealand and there was no other traffic around.

Ok, ok, it’s just that the view is better from the front.

Tina and Jenni thought that too.

And you’ve been going places without me and I’m ALWAYS invited in the Landcruiser.

That’s not quite true; you are invited when I think you’ll enjoy the trip or when we need to go to the vet. Like last night when you got bitten by a spider. AGAIN! Bit of a slow learner sometimes, aren’t we?

We won’t talk about that now.

Checking out the view

Checking out the view

Going away

zakwaitingYou are going away – again.

I know, but this time I have no choice.

Why?

Because my body is failing and I need a neck operation to stop the damage.

Wow, will you be able to come running with me when you get back?

No my boy, that is never going to happen. Hopefully there will be more cycling.

How long will you be away?

I don’t really know, I guess about 2 weeks or so.

I’ll be waiting for you.

I know.

 

The other side of the fence

Where did you go this afternoon, without me?

I went to talk to the dogs at the SPCA.

What’s that?

The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals – where they keep unwanted dogs and other animals.

You mean there are people out there who don’t like dogs? That’s sad.

Yes, very sad but they are well looked after albeit in a small space. Some have spent all their lives there.

What? You mean they have never run down a farm road and chased cows?

Nope. Nor have they held their head out of the car window and felt their ears flap. Or slept on a big, soft bed with a warm human for company.

Oh. But were they nice?

Yes, mostly they were friendly. There was one lovely, gentle, girl who’d been abandoned in the centre of town.

Hey, bring her home!

I was briefly tempted but two of you is quite enough and I’m sure somebody will fall in love with her (I had to leave before I couldn’t refuse her).

One of many cats of many colours

One of many cats of many colours

I am soft and gentle, won't you take me home?

I am soft and gentle, won’t you take me home?

So gentle and abandoned

So gentle and abandoned

A gentle older boy

A gentle older boy

More nerves than anger

More nerves than anger

Goofy, young and friendly

Goofy, young and friendly

The Wuss

You are pathetic, a WUSS of note!

But you don’t know how terrifying cotton wool and betadine can be!

You, a lion hunter, are scared of cotton wool and betadine?

Oh yes, yes! It’s psychological torture.

Just as well we had to leave you behind when we went to Mana Pools then. We saw a real lion.

That’s different, I can handle lions.

Oh right, you can just about handle the next door cat.

It’s the next door bitch I want to handle! But I don’t know how…

Yes dear Zak, you have been fixed to avoid that. Unfortunately you persist in trying and have torn your shoulder getting through the fence. Hence the betadine. Come here…

Nooooooooo!

The terror of cotton wool and betadine etched all over his face

The terror of cotton wool and betadine etched all over his face

Politics of the bone (a very short play)

The scene: It is early morning. Kharma is on the bed, a well loved marrow bone close to her paws – she is apparently ignoring it but in reality it is well attended to. Zak is sitting at the foot of the bed watching the bone which he regards as his.

Kharma, please?!

Kharma, please?!

Zak: Please! Please let me have my bone!

Kharma: No.

Zak: But you are not even chewing it! He makes a whine and moves towards the bone.

Kharma: Just try.

Zak backs off, sits and barks. The human enters through the door near the head of the bed.

Human: What’s wrong Zak, won’t she let you have your bone?

Zak, giving the human his most pleading look: No, how selfish is that?

Human: I can’t blame her, you should try being nice to her more often.

Zak: But I am, I am! Please help me!

Kharma, moves head fractionally towards the bone and raises her right eyebrow. Says nothing. Her tail is uncharacteristically quiet.

Human moves to cupboard to get camera. Zak agitates and barks again. Please Kharma!

Kharma. Go on. Test me.

Human sits on bed near the pillow and takes a photo.

Zak: Come on, help me here.

Human: No ways dude, this is your problem to fix. Kharma’s the boss here.

Zak circles to the top of the bed, jumps up and sitting down backs into the human, all the time intently focused on the bone: Come on dude, it’s a boy solidarity thing. Help me out, I need that bone!

Kharma says nothing.

Human (laughing): Dude, Kharma is just making her point, be patient and she will eventually let you have it.

Zak (jumping off the bed). Awww. You are no help at all. I need that bone now.

Sigh

Sigh

Human puts away the camera and leaves to get ready for work.

Author’s note: Variations on this theme play out every Sunday morning when the dogs get their bones. Kharma will devour hers first and then browbeat Zak off his just to show that she can.

My first Rhodesian Ridgeback, Kim, was an uncharacteristically unemotional dog but when she’d finished her bone (always in the same place on the front lawn) she’d play bow to it, tail wagging furiously, do a little dance around it and then pick it up and go and bury it. She was very self-conscious about all this and wouldn’t do it if she thought I was watching.

Jenni would always bury her bones, sometimes eaten, sometimes not. Again, if she thought I was watching she would go somewhere else. The bones did reappear from time to time but I was never sure if they ALL reappeared.

Before Zak, Kharma was relatively indifferent to her bone. I was never sure if it was going to be chewed or ignored – sometimes permanently. That has all changed and she devours her bones if she can. I think she has some hyena genes in her because sometimes the bones really are eaten and they are not insignificant bones!