Politics of the bone (a very short play)

The scene: It is early morning. Kharma is on the bed, a well loved marrow bone close to her paws – she is apparently ignoring it but in reality it is well attended to. Zak is sitting at the foot of the bed watching the bone which he regards as his.

Kharma, please?!

Kharma, please?!

Zak: Please! Please let me have my bone!

Kharma: No.

Zak: But you are not even chewing it! He makes a whine and moves towards the bone.

Kharma: Just try.

Zak backs off, sits and barks. The human enters through the door near the head of the bed.

Human: What’s wrong Zak, won’t she let you have your bone?

Zak, giving the human his most pleading look: No, how selfish is that?

Human: I can’t blame her, you should try being nice to her more often.

Zak: But I am, I am! Please help me!

Kharma, moves head fractionally towards the bone and raises her right eyebrow. Says nothing. Her tail is uncharacteristically quiet.

Human moves to cupboard to get camera. Zak agitates and barks again. Please Kharma!

Kharma. Go on. Test me.

Human sits on bed near the pillow and takes a photo.

Zak: Come on, help me here.

Human: No ways dude, this is your problem to fix. Kharma’s the boss here.

Zak circles to the top of the bed, jumps up and sitting down backs into the human, all the time intently focused on the bone: Come on dude, it’s a boy solidarity thing. Help me out, I need that bone!

Kharma says nothing.

Human (laughing): Dude, Kharma is just making her point, be patient and she will eventually let you have it.

Zak (jumping off the bed). Awww. You are no help at all. I need that bone now.

Sigh

Sigh

Human puts away the camera and leaves to get ready for work.

Author’s note: Variations on this theme play out every Sunday morning when the dogs get their bones. Kharma will devour hers first and then browbeat Zak off his just to show that she can.

My first Rhodesian Ridgeback, Kim, was an uncharacteristically unemotional dog but when she’d finished her bone (always in the same place on the front lawn) she’d play bow to it, tail wagging furiously, do a little dance around it and then pick it up and go and bury it. She was very self-conscious about all this and wouldn’t do it if she thought I was watching.

Jenni would always bury her bones, sometimes eaten, sometimes not. Again, if she thought I was watching she would go somewhere else. The bones did reappear from time to time but I was never sure if they ALL reappeared.

Before Zak, Kharma was relatively indifferent to her bone. I was never sure if it was going to be chewed or ignored – sometimes permanently. That has all changed and she devours her bones if she can. I think she has some hyena genes in her because sometimes the bones really are eaten and they are not insignificant bones!

A literary break

Wacko Zak and
Schumze Kharma
Went to town
To find a farmer.

“There’s one there”
Said Zak to Kharma,
“We’ve found our man,
We’ll go no further”.

So Zak, The Kharma
And the farmer
Sat down and made
A deal forever.

Zak to bark
And Kharma sleep
And the farmer got
Their love to keep.

And so we end
This little saga
Of Zak, the farmer
And Schumze Kharma.

I don’t bark that much do I?

You bark rather a lot, enough to be annoying, but not as much as Kharma sleeps. Anyway, what do you think of the little poem?

It’s not going to win the Nobel Prize for literature, that’s for sure.

You’ve missed the point, I wrote a poem ABOUT you two.

Oh. Did you write poems this bad about your other dogs?

(Long sigh). Jenni got a song written about her.

A real song? To music?

Well, the music bit never got done but the words did. But as you don’t seem to appreciate my literary efforts I won’t subject you to it.

Point of view

A burst of yellow flowers on the Acacia karoo outside my bedroom

A burst of yellow flowers on the Acacia karoo outside my bedroom

Don’t you just love the yellow flowers in the dawn light?

Yes.

I planted that tree 9 years ago.

Quite.

It’s going to be a great day.

Where’s yesterday’s bone?

Amazing view isn’t it?

Great.

I do hope you appreciate where we are living. You could be living in town near a noisy street with annoying neighbours. We won’t always be living here.

Oh I do, I do. It’s just that it’s breakfast time!

Early morning dogs

Early morning dogs

Home is the hunter home from the hill

Back home

Back home

You had me very worried there Little Boy. Running off like that for 3 hours.

Why? I was out having fun. Hunting is in my blood – that’s what I was bred to do.

Yes, that may be but it’s dangerous out there for unwary dogs. Snares, snakes and unscrupulous people. Where are your “partners-in-crime”?

I don’t know. We sort of got separated.

Well, I haven’t seen them around. I hope they are OK. Hopefully all the holes in the fence are fixed, for the time being at least.

Spoil-sport!

 

Running loose

What were you doing on the road yesterday afternoon?

I was looking for you. I heard your truck on the road.

But how did you get out?

The neighbour’s dog showed me.

That little hussy is leading you astray. She’s an escape artiste of note.

But she’s so much fun! Much more energetic than Kharma.

That may be but she’s street-wise, you are not. It’s lucky we live on a farm but there are other hazards out there for wandering dogs. Snares for one. Envious people for another.

Snares?

Pieces of wire that catch you around the neck and slowly strangle you. Nasty.

Nasty. But you weren’t very cross!

How could I be. You reminded me too much of Jenni who did the same thing.

Jenni was very special to you wasn’t she?

Yes. Be careful. I don’t want to lose now we are becoming close.

Ah, so you DO love me!

Mostly…

Staying in control at the microlight club

Staying in control at the microlight club

Waking up the human

Just pondering...

Just pondering…

It’s getting lighter earlier these days and I cannot see why my human should be asleep when I want to get up! Here are my tips on getting humans out of bed.

1. Yawn. Make it loud and theatrical. It’s a good subtle starter, not too extreme.

2. Lick. Anywhere will do – whatever works for you. Licking the other dog is OK too. Drives my human scatty.

3. Scratch. Most effective when you “miss” and thump your leg on the bed.

4. Get off the bed. A goodie this one as it creates a sense of panic – “He must be desperate, is he going to go in the passage?”. It works well in my bedroom as there is a trunk at the foot of the bed (to help me get onto the bed – thoughtful my human) and it makes a nice hollow thump as I get off.

5. Start a play fight with the other dog. The other dog likes to sleep in so this is not so effective for me.

6. Combine any or all of the above.

I usually start these tactics when the alarm goes off – hey, I like to help out where I can but this morning I started a good half  hour before that. Well, I’m a Ridgeback and we like to be a bit individual. I dont’ recommend this sort of thing on Sundays – it can provoke a bit of a “reaction” and Sundays are bone-days and we don’t want to compromise that do we?

I welcome feedback and any new ideas – so come on guys, lets collaborate on this one shall we?

Where has my puppy gone?

We are all grown-ups now!

We are all grown-ups now!

You are not a puppy anymore!

Well no, we do grow up you know. Is that why I only get 2 meals a day now?

Yes, vet Clare said you could grow too fast if I fed you too much.

So don’t complain when I go scrounging then.

You have ALWAYS scrounged!

Does that mean you don’t love me?

No, I just don’t love you very much when you scrounge.

Now that I am grown-up will you stop calling me “Little Zak”?

Probably not. I was still a “horrible child” at 32. I see no reason why you cannot always be Little Zak!

Nyanga

Taking in the view

Taking in the view

So what do you think of Nyanga?

Definitely some great views. Nice smells too. And nice things to eat like sheep skeletons and..

Yes, I get the picture. You were quite revolting at times. What did you think of the paragliding?

Oh that bit where you went off in the air? Don’t think I’d like to do it. But you had fun.

Yes I did. Would you like to go back there?

Only if I can find another sheep skull!

Sulk

You are going without us!

You are going without us!

You are going without us! How could you?

But..

Your two best friends and you are leaving us behind!

Well, I do try..

We are always here for you – this is desertion!

Hey, give me a break. I DO take you when I can it’s just that at Mutoroshanga there is no-one to keep an eye on you when I paraglide.

Oh, I have never been to Mutoroshanga, what’s it like Kharma?

It’s great. Nice view, lots of things to see and smell and he’s leaving us behind, again!

Well, I AM taking you to Nyanga next weekend.

That’s next weekend. We are talking NOW. How could you do this to us?

(Mutter…..)

 

Fixed

That's sorted that collar out!

That’s sorted that collar out!

Well that “Elizabethan collar” did not last long.

Yes, less than a day!

You seem curiously proud of your destructive qualities.

No. It was just a poor quality product.

You are meant to be taking it easy after your operation, not crashing into things and running through foliage. I can see the “fixing” has not slowed you down at all.

Well, if I cannot focus my energies on the girls any more I’ll have to focus it elsewhere. I am Zak the Destroyer after all!

I noticed.